Thursday, March 28, 2024

Toast to a narrow escape!

“You see that minstrel over there, who will soon relocate to our side; do you know that he belongs to the generation of the Sunny Ades, Ebenezer Obeys of this world? I learnt he grew up here in Mushin, and that in the 70s, his musical band was the rave of the moment.”

“Kay, you mean it? Imagine the man with his solo guitar, twinning and singing away gleefully and chirpily, not minding the fact that his shoes are sloppy, showing they have seen better days.”

“Charles, that’s uncharitable of you, to a man who is still coming to drive away our sorrow. But what I learnt of him is that three things ruined his music career: women, gambling and Indian hemp.”

“But now that his career has nosedived, what is left to completely ruin him is excessive drinking. The man, after his singing session, can relax in a corner and finish one carton of beer. Imagine, a man that is above 70!”

“Well, I will prayerfully offer him two bottles, and perhaps some wads of Naira notes; because I can see that he is happy the way he’s living his life. Apparently, it’s not likely the man is feeding family members or is being fed by the latter. He, as far as I’m concerned, is a one-man riot squad (laughter).”

“Kay, remember you’ve cheated me out; you are on your second bottle, while my only bottle is long dead, without signs that there will be a successor; or are we not in the era of change, when the economy is supposed to have improved? At least, this is the second year of the Buhari administration.”

“Well, in the first place, you are very close to Mama Chika, the massively built lady who owns this beer parlour, as well as her bar girl, Lynda, who is an attention-seeker with the way she swings her hips. So if you need any credit facility, they will easily oblige you. But I will spare you the ordeal, and give you a bailout fund to drink two additional bottles; and they must be criminally cold, mortuary standard.”

“That’s my man, Alan Kay, a man of timber and calibre, caterpillar and bulldozer, Iroko and mahogany…but you have not reacted to my concern on why money is not flowing in town. To get any government contract these days is tantamount to the fate of the biblical camel trying to pass through the eye of a needle.”

“Charles, you talk like a kid, a suckling tot that kicks in excitement for the chumminess of the breast milk. Who told you contracts are not being awarded at the federal level? “I’m thinking maybe they are waiting for the budget to award the big contracts.”

“Forget about the delay in the signing of 2017 budget. You may blame that on the ill-health of Mr. President, but we all know that since the era of former President Umaru Yar’Adua, a new concept of moving-forward, known as ‘Doctrine of Necessity,’ has been a permanent feature.”

“No, it was only relevant for the period Yar’Adua was stretchered out of the country and was unable to transmit a letter to the National Assembly, that the then Vice President, Dr. Goodluck Jonathan should take over as acting President.”

“You think Yar’Adua didn’t transmit a letter because he was infirm or the cabal that caged him prevented any such letter?…anyway, the exPresident is no more and we must respect his memories by not saying any ill about him; more so that he has no right of reply.”

“Okay, what you are saying is that, through a ‘doctrine of necessity,’ the President can sign the budget on his London sickbed; same way, the economy, under that doctrine, can run effectively without a budget. Even at home, a man can live without a wife and vice versa. All you need to do is to invoke the doctrine of necessity, like the one that made Jonathan become acting President without the consent of his ailing boss, Yar’Adua.”

So, so for Nigeria’s palaver. Even here at the beer parlour, we are feeling the brunt. An average bottle that used to sell for N200 now goes for N250.”

“I beg, let’s vacate any unhelpful lamentation…Yes, why did you send away that babe yesterday? After having spent so much? Remember you bought her four big bottles of beer, two plates of cow-leg pepper soup, and then, I think I saw you squeeze some wads that counted up to 10k into her swift palm. So why?”

“Thank you my good friend. I’m sure that as God lives, you will not like to attend a wake-keep service for me at this age. You know there was a time I took her out to one hotel.”

Remember you bought her four big bottles of beer, two plates of cowleg pepper soup, and then, I think I saw you squeeze some wads that counted up to 10k into her swift palm. So why?

“Yes, yes, yes.”

“And as we were about to go indoors ‘to rest’, she got a call that her immediate past boyfriend had died of the HIV/AIDS disease.”

“Oh! Your parents’ heads are with you, and your God is very much alive. Suppose ‘you had executed the project’ before you heard of the fella’s death, I would simply have asked you to write your Will and start donating money to charity, so as to gain heaven. This is because, I know your indulgence: no condom; which is a bad habit.”

“Well, thank you Charles. This is the only planet that I know, and I’m not in a hurry to depart it. So, since you are broke, let me celebrate my narrow escape for you. Let us take one bottle apiece, toasting to long life and prosperity.”

“With a proviso, that you amend your ways.” “I hear, bad boy.

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