“Plans are still in the pipeline to buy 10 additional plastic chairs and four tables, to cope with the crowd of revellers in this joint. I can now walk tall because three years ago, when I brought Comfort to this place, it was like a decision to settle down in the jungle.”

Uba Group

“How was this place in the past? I am sure you were the one who bankrolled all the facilities here. This I can confirm through the seductive ways the lady has been treating you. Kay, we are in your kingdom.”

“Simmer, Ogbonna, simmer. I actually paid for this shop when it used to have a wooden window. I changed it to a slit one. I did a German floor as against the time-worn, peeling cemented floor. I bought two ceiling fans and one split A/C that can freeze you as if you were in Siberia…”

“All for the love of Comfort’s physical endowment? You must have a very deep pocket. I am sure you must be on your guard; you must safeguard your ‘investment’ against any encroachment. I only hope she does not have a secret lover somewhere, as I am prepared to fight your cause. Nobody must steal from your comfort zone.”

“Ogbos, don’t work me up. I’ve done all I could do for a lady who made me happy. Whatever she does behind me is none of my business. Let Comfort serve you one criminally cold bottle of beer, mortuary standard. I’ve not seen you for a while; we need to talk on burning national issues.”

“What is trending, you will agree with me, is this Dasukigate stolen arms fund, and how its hydra-headed recovery seems endless. Interestingly, some highly respected elder statesmen have been indicted. But these oldies claimed they did not know that the money given to them was stolen.”

“Don’t mind them, Ogbos. You and I know that any money you did not work for or bid for through lottery or pools betting, is suspect. My verdict is that they are corporate thieves who should have been stoned to death, had they been born in the days of Biblical Moses.”

“Sure; one other thing trending now is the outbreak of the killer Lassa fever. Its virulence is like no man’s business. They say it comes with a species of rats that have big breasts with thick nipples.”

“They call them killer rats and they have such wonderful body facilities? That’s incredible. We should be grateful to the Almighty that our Ladies with similar gifts are no killers. Rather, they comfort, like your heavily built Comfort, owner of this beer parlour.”

“Ashawo, please rush your beer as you are still entitled to additional four bottles and two plates of steaming hot pepper-soup before you leave this domain.”

“I trust you Kay, the dream of every reasonable woman. So I want to experience how it feels like, to download five bottles of beer at a sitting and still be in your right senses. Even our friend, Charles, who took 13 bottles the other day found himself in the hospital.”

“For your information, Charles was here yesterday. He bought me a carton of beer at a time I had taken three bottles. I was only able to drink two out of the dozen. So, I was left with 10. Today, we are going to take five bottles each, and finish off Charles’ tempting gift.”

“You guys dish out beer as you would bowls of water; I simply pity you. Have you not heard of the warning by the Central Bank of Nigeria that this year is going to be very tough?”

“I reject it; or what are they trying to say? If the year is going to be very difficult, that means I risk losing my Comfort, because she is best sustained with wads of Naira notes. That means I would have to settle for a petty pepper trader or egg seller. Again, I reject it.”

“What you are saying is best expressed as ‘shilly-shally jocosity.’ Truth is, life is hard. Oil price has fallen at the international market, and the Naira is tumbling down in value as against the dollar and I ask: where do we go from here.”

“Charles, you are right. I think government should focus on developing the real sector. It should from now look away from oil and see how to develop other sectors so as to boost our export value and increase the foreign income base.”

“The great beer-parlour economist! But such lofty ideas also require great minds who are capable of driving the dream; not just some garrulous politicians.”

“Yap, I agree with you. Just the same way the demolition of a carton of beer requires great minds, not people who will drink and fall into the gutter.” “Especially a great mind who must have been intoxicated by the compulsive love of Comfort; a kind of intoxication that pales drunkenness into insignificance.”


“Talkative! Please, home beckons; let’s go.”