“Christie, if I was told that you could demolish beer with this dexterity, I would spit the truth out of such a claim. But here you are, telling me by the demonstration of your drinking acumen, sorry, ‘acuwomen’, that what a man can drink, a woman can drink much more.”
“Uncle Kay, stop pulling my legs joo; what’s the big deal in finishing off four bottles in two hours? In actual fact, you should have called me a snail. If Betty had been here, she would have frowned at my embarrassingly slow pace in the execution of this drinking project.”
“So, for how long would she have expected you to download four bottles’? Well, it’s hard coming across brewery certified babes like you, but once you come across one, it’s always in a big way.”
“Perhaps, but do you know I was trained how to drink to standard, by my Ex? He was a nice dude working in a new generation bank. Once he closed from work at around 9pm, he had a ‘coven’ in Surulere where we used to hang out.”
“Was he the one you said deflowered you, put a project in your tummy and took you for abortion where a friend sighted you and later informed your Dad?”
“Ah, you journalists are always with your retentive memory. To think that you have taken five bottles so far and your brain is still this sharp! Well, I know that if we start dating as you have proposed, it will last at least a decade, because we look compatible.”
“Chai, my head is swelling o. Charles is not around to congratulate me for this low-hanging fruit, waiting to be plucked. Yes, let Titilola bring us a plate of catfish apiece, which I will demolish with one more bottle of beer, criminally cold, mortuary standard.”
“You don spoil. Anyway, that’s why I like you. Unlike your ‘predecessor in office’ who was always frigid and too formal, you are caring, jovial and loving. That guy would not crack jokes to tickle my brain and put me in the right mood. Anyway, I’ll still give him some pass mark because he was very diligent in giving me regular bank alerts.”
The President could have paid the Boko Haram guys a watering amount of money as ransom for the girls, either because he’s compassionate, or because he wants an edge over his predecessor, Jonathan, or because he’s targetting the North-East votes in 2019
“I am sure I am not as diligent as he was in the latter quality. Money, as you have professed, is not everything. A woman also needs you in action, to make her feel like a babe. You should say sweet jabbers into her ears, tell her she has no faults, and then, do wondrously in the other room.”
“Yes, ‘the other room’ you talked about reminded me of how some guys were criticising President Buhari this morning. (You know the President is the architect of ‘the other room’ slang). They said that the Dapchi schoolgirls he claimed to have rescued from kidnappers were used to act out some drama and make money.”
“Don’t go too far, sweetheart. The whole story of the Dapchi girls’ is now convoluted, like the horns of a well ‘testicled’ ram. You know it is neither here nor there. The President could have paid the Boko Haram guys a watering amount of money as ransom for the girls, either because he’s compassionate, or because he wants an edge over his predecessor, Jonathan, or because he’s targetting the North-East votes in 2019.”
“Well, the government’s spokesman, Lai Mohammed, said the insurgents were so nice they didn’t collect anything from government, before releasing the girls.”
“What do you expect him to say? In fact, some people even said that some Boko Haram commanders were also released in barter for 105 of the 110 abducted children.”
“It’s sad that five of the girls died. And I get worried that the girls even came with travel bags and other gift items, to the extent that the excited locals were waving gleefully at the insurgents who came in nine trucks…surely, something is fishing.”
“Oh, lucky me; to have emerged the reigning Ronaldo of an intelligent babe like you. Anyway, whatever happened in the Dapchi girls’ saga or scandal, those who would have perpetrated it are untouchable. Any attempt to give it a legislative probe is also as good as the tale of how a sheep killed the lion.”
“Love, guess you would go on the seventh bottle while I sign off on the sixth, so we can go to the other room and rest. Or what do you think?”
“I do not possess the qualification to oppose your motion, and if I fail to take you to the other room, you may come under the temptation of openly criticising me for derailing from all my pre-intoxication promises.”
“Yeah, I love the blending of this beer; may the Lord continue to flourish this brewery. They are improving on the quality of their products every day.”
