“Our club’s general election is due to hold any moment from now. So, preparations are in top gear. First, we want to work for the re-election of Sir Olus, who is one of us.”

Uba Group

“Kay, how did he become one of you? Or outside your club circles, are you a member of the ruling All Progressives Congress or the opposition Peoples Democratic Party?”

“Wetin concern me with APC or PDP; I mean the man belongs to this beer parlour parliament. He drinks as if tomorrow won’t come. And that is the kind of club president we want, one who will deliver the dividends of democracy.”

“So how about Mr. Daniel, his opponent? Because the last time I came here to jollificate with you, he said they should give me whatever I wanted on his bill.”

“Charles, I want to come short of calling you long throat. Shebi you only came early last month, when the campaign for the club’s general election began. Now, we are almost at its crescendo. You see, Daniel as sanctimonious as he looks, is a pretender.”

“How do you mean?”

“Thank you. The man does not drink beer. He is actually a religious person who is struggling to blend. If he becomes the president, he is certainly going to scale down the purchase of cartons of beer, to the detriment of we boozers. Remember, this is a club house. A bottle of beer, which costs between N200 and N250 outside is only N150 here.”

“If you are to use that yardstick to elect your leader, are you now saying we made a mistake to have elected President Muhammadu Buhari, because there was a report that unlike in the past, people no longer drink beer and red wine in Aso Rock. They say what they drink there now are kunu and zobo.(laughter)

“Charles, you won’t kill me. Please, let’s settle down to the business of the day. You said the fairly used Toyota Camry car is N650,000. Don’t you think that’s rather on the high side, because we wouldn’t know how many oyibos had used it before it was shipped to the African shores. Now, the latest owner has been using it for the past three years.”

“Kay, before we begin to haggle like market women, let your richly endowed babe that you employed in this club house serve us a bottle each. The bottles, in our tradition, should be criminally cold, mortuary standard.”

“Oh you remember that I influenced her employment. Juliet, that’s her name. She’s my neighbour’s daughter but she is not my lady Ronaldo, as that can make her disrespect my wife, since we live in the same street. But Charles, I tell you, since she started working in this club, the traffic of male patrons has increased rather madly.”

“For once, you deserve salutation that you are not going out with her, because the Kay I know, there is no meat that is poisonous in his system. Again, concerning the increase in male traffic, that should be expected. Or can’t you see her ‘Chelsea’ and her ‘Barca’?…Yes, back to the car issue, this is Nigeria. Tokunbo car is Tokunbo car. No one cares about the roll-call of users. Take it for N600,000.”

“Hmmm, okay, it’s my younger brother that is actually buying it. I know that if the car owner takes N550,000, you, my good friend, are going to garner N50,000. And out of it, I know I’m entitled to four bottles of beer and two plates of steaming hot pepper soup.”

“So the deal is sealed. I’ll be expecting your cheque. To start with, however, let them give us a plate of isi-ewu each and then shell us with two additional bottles, in the spirit of your forthcoming club’s election. I guess you are one of the contestants.”

“You can’t call me a contestant because I’m to be re-elected public relations officer, since I’m the only journalist in this club. Who will contest against me? If I can remember, I have been occupying this office for the past 10 years.”

“Oh, Uncle Methuselah, congrats. So you are the Robert Mugabe of the public relations unit. But you are a wise man. You went for a non-competitive office, where you would not pose a threat to anybody. That’s the same thing with me in my club. For six years now, I have been the assistant publicity secretary and this is my third term in office. Nobody is interested in the post.

“Why I particularly like this club is that, I’m entitled to credit facility. Just last week, I took a loan to pay my children’s school fees. And that’s a big relief.”

“Good club, I must say. Kay, but this your club is also a good hideout, where you can camp your lady Ronaldo, unnoticed.”


“Yea, that reminds me of a fellow journalist, who is now in the United States. While still here, he got drunk one day and gave us this wisecrack, which goes thus: Adultery is meant for adult, while fornication is meant for children, because they love fun.”

“Kay please, we are getting old, let’s stop uttering that balderdash.”

“Thanks, Pastor Charles, let me download this last bottle and we take off.”