Re-looted loots


“You seem to have catarrh, and that is the more reason you shouldn’t take cold beer until you are through with the harmless disease. So in the interim, Mama Basira would give you a bottle of beer at room temperature.”

“Forget it; I will still drink my criminally cold beer, mortuary standard. Catarrh, yes, has come and it will go. Whether you drink cold things or not, it has its tenure and once that tenure expires, it will go and good health will be sworn in.”

“Clown, I wonder why you have not been going around with Ali Baba or AY to be his acolyte in a world where jocosity is money-spinner. Or don’t you know that all these comedians get mega-bucks for making people laugh? After all, we are in the mood of Christmas; you can combine comedy with drunkenness; all joined.”

“Kay, do you know that Ali Baba once recalled that his son never believed that dad was working? According to him, the boy would tell anybody who cared to listen that ‘oh, my father doesn’t go to work, he only goes to play!” (Laughter)

“Look o, Iya Basira has not brought our catfish, almost one hour after it was ordered, even though its tantalising aroma from the kitchen has been whiffing past my nostrils, making me salivate like a caged dog that is barred from reaching a stewed piece of meat.”

“Well, while not ruling out the fact that the fish may not be ready, it is also on record that such delay tactics are common with beer sellers. While your ordered pepper-soup is still bubbling on fire, they will keep ‘shelling’ you with beer and by the time you are set to eat the catfish, for instance, you would have drunk three bottles…and when the pepper soup lands, they will ensure that it is indeed peppery, requiring you to drink no fewer than three additional bottles.”

“Charles, the vigilant drunk! I think you need to gather beer drinkers in Lagos and environs, to a Christmas-time seminar, and lecture them on how to be a successful drunk. Under that circumstance, this Iya Basira’s prank of delaying our catfish to make us drink more beer will come as a special module.”

“I hear you Kay…en en, have you returned your own loot? I don’t want to return mine, so that it doesn’t get the status of re-looted loot. That is simply the new song in town now, with the recent arrest of Dasuki, Dokpesi, Bafarawa and all the rest. There have been allegations of arms procurement funds being shared to some cheerful Nigerians as charity, as if it was the national cake.”

“If I had secured out of the loot, you think I will sit with you and your downwardly endowed Iya Basira, drinking N200 beer? Without being told, you know I would have relocated to, at least, a 5-star hotel, where doyens, moguls and capons compete with money.”

“You are damn right guy. For instance, a lady Ronaldo is coming here to play with me. If I had got my own share of the Abuja loot, Sisi Joke who is coming here, so we can drink and take each other to the dance floor, would have appreciated me more and would never be hesitant anytime the idea of a trip to Cloud 9 is mooted.”

“Nonetheless, you are a man. With about N5,000, you can still ‘execute the project’ satisfactorily, and go home fulfilled.”

“So how do I go about it, my chief philanderer? Just give me the breakdown of how I’m going to be on top of the world with a lady, only with a paltry N5k.”

“Good, you both will spend N1,500 on drinks, chief of which is beer; then spend another N1,000 on catfish; you wouldn’t eat, you would say your doctor has advised you against anything peppery because you are an ulcer patient.”

“Brilliant crook! So how about the remaining N2, 500?”

“So as I was saying…(hic)…l ehm… ehm… Iya Basira, bring us a bottle each. As for me, this one is for the road. So as I was saying, you’ll get a short-rest room for N1,000 and then, after you both have sufficiently ‘rested’, you’ll give the babe N1,500, backing it up with a reasonable excuse that the price of oil has fallen at the international market.” (Laughter)

“Oh Kay, there you are! (Charles jumps up). The babe has arrived; my Sisi Joke, Lady Ronaldo, and the dream of every reasonable man. As you can see, her beauty arrests both son and father, and, in fact, scatters the family!”

“Charles, surely, you’ve eaten a special vegetable delicacy from your Joke; take her to the dance-floor and enjoy to no end. I’ve an appointment to keep in Surulere.”