“Last week was very hectic for me in the office. Auditors were around from Abuja and so, everyone had to tidy up their accounts in order not to collide with barbed wire.”
“Alan Kay, what have you to do with an auditor; after all, you are a journalist, whose brief is to write stories; or do you also join them in hawking the newspaper? Because I know that under excruciating economic pains that have held the masses by the jugular, a dog will be glad to graze.”
“Nah, nah. You know, I served as guarantor for some adverts placed on credit; so I had to go gaga in cajoling the debtors to pay up. Otherwise, my salary would be seized and other punitive measures could come in tow.”
“God forbid. If your salary is embargoed, that could be disastrous for the beer parlour industry in Nigeria, and in fact, the brewery producing your brand will come close to closing shop.”
But have you noticed that since the Dapchi girls’ issue took over public discourse, nobody is talking about Prof. Yusuf of the National Health Insurance Scheme who was arbitrarily reinstated after he was suspended over alleged corruption?
“Well Charles, I am sure you won’t equate me with Bala, who’s operating on pre-paid drinking. Only last weekend, immediately his salary was paid by his chambers, he stormed Iya Shola’s beer parlour in company with two modern-size jezebels; and pronto, he dropped N30, 000 to cover his beer and pepper-soup consumption for one month.”
“Bad boy. That’s an average N1, 000 per day. But you know that Bala is a reckless drinker, who would within that month transmute from a creditor to a debtor, after having overshot his gauge.”
“Well, leave Bala alone. One, he is a successful lawyer with clientele in the ranks of corrupt politicians who are being chased around like a cat would a rat, by the EFCC. Again, Iya Shola, remember, is a single mother with an open workshop. But we all know that Bala alone has a certificate of occupancy, that is, CofO, to her land. The other men are only appearing occasionally, using their survey plans.”
“Whao! If I had bugged this statement of yours and played it before your pastor, he would certainly excommunicate you, or if he is lenient a bit, order your sentence to a seven-day prayer and fasting session on a bitingly cold mountain in one of these Ekiti or Ondo communities.”
“Well, before it gets to that, let Clara bring us a replacement to these leaking bottles, which must also be criminally cold and of mortuary standard….Lest I forget, what is the latest on efforts to rescue the Dapchi, Yobe schoolgirls seized by Boko Haram militants the other day?”
“Is anyone searching for them? You talk as if you are not a Nigerian. Assuredly, what is left to be done now is for the human rights groups to swing into action, by raking money from charity groups across the world, ‘to agitate for the release of the Dapchi girls’.” The Federal Government too, on its part, will keep reiterating its commitment to finding the girls! End of the story.”
“Exactly the same trajectory that befall the 237 Chibok secondary school girls captured in 2014. That’s how many rights groups held crusades, rallies, seminars, singing solidarity songs to cranky insurgents, who were far into the woods of Sambisa Forest, where they were enjoying their human booty.”
“Well, let’s drink and forget the sorrows inflicted on all by Nigerian leaders. Imagine, the Chibok girls were set free after Boko Haram had received millions of dollars from the Federal Government, and also secured the release of their key commanders in the Nigerian prisons’ custody…so, the same fate awaits the Dapchi 110. Sad on all counts.”
“And to think that the girls would be violated by these characters, who put many of the Chibok girls in the family way the other time. Then when some of them would return, maybe after a year or two, they will come strapping their babies or with protruded tummies and they will be marched to Aso Villa for celebrations, as plates of jollof rice and chicken sauce will be contesting for space on the tables.”
“But have you noticed that since the Dapchi girls’ issue took over public discourse, nobody is talking about Prof. Yusuf of the National Health Insurance Scheme who was arbitrarily reinstated after he was suspended over alleged corruption? That, if you noticed, has also buried the lingering concerns on the recall and promotion awarded Abdulrasheed Maina, the man who was alleged to have joined others in swindling over N2bn pensioners’ savings.”
“Please, let’s vacate all these Nigerian shenanigans and brouhaha. Let’s think of how we can make our little money and sustain relevance in this Clara’s dynamic beer parlour.”
“Okay o. Just let them give us a place of steaming hot goat-meat pepper soup apiece, and then support it with two sweating bottles of our brand. That is the best way to cool off the tension caused by a country of bad leaders.”
“I trust you. You and your radical posturing that reminds of the departed stormy petrel, Chief Gani Fawehinmi. But that will not fly at this Clara’s beer parlour, if not supported with unrestrained spending.”
“Or better still, purchasing her certificate of occupancy!”
