Friday, April 12, 2024

Valentine’s miscellaneous

“There is a ball dance rehearsal going on in the other
hall. I learned it is in preparation for Valentine’s Day, which incidentally falls on a Sunday, a day that is holy. And so, for that reason, any scintilla of love reserved for
that day should be holy.”

“Charles, you talked as if you were not a Nigerian. What gives you the impression that people will give thoughts to the import of a Sunday that doubles as Valentine’s Day? As usual, voluptuous ladies, clad in their whitish blouses and skimpily strewn, red skirts, will provocatively storm the streets, to the admiration of the men folk.”

“Kay, two things need to be re-constructed in your preview of Valentine.
The ladies who are provocatively dressed are in two categories. First, are those who are out to impress their men by exposing their otherwise closely guarded under-torso endowment; while the others are in a lastminute, desperate search for men, leveraging on the abiding industry below their soft underbellies.”

“Please don’t turn me to a candidate of hell. You are rather on a fast lane in your lecherous analysis. Before we proceed, kindly observe that we are not adding value to the owner of this big pub that they have chosen to call ‘Abbey Resort and Holiday Inn’. So, let’s tell the bar girl, that lady with a chiselled nose, to serve us bottles of beer.”

“Good talk; I wouldn’t mind adding a plate of turkey pepper-soup to my course. After all, we are not in the bird flu era. To ask them to give me some bush meat may be gravitating towards Lassa fever, as bush-meat animals are also from the family of rats.”

“If you had taken like four bottles, I would have said you are drunk. But now, you have yet to demolish a bottle half-way. What has bush-meat consumption got to do with Lassa fever? The other time, we heard it could come with the Ebola virus; but now, the noise has subsided. Lassa, they say, is usually spurned by a special species of rats called multimammates, and that these characters belong to a family called Mastomys.”

“Is that not the species that they say has thick nipples? Damn it. Perhaps I should avoid any lady with that quality in this Valentine. Lest I be infected. So, so jokes…Kay, have you been reading the Ekiti Governor, Ayodele Fayose, in recent time? He said President Buhari’s five-day vacation abroad was suspicious, that the Presidency should get down from its high horse and tell Nigerians if all was well with Mr. President.

“Don’t mind Fayose; was he not the one who placed an advertorial shortly before the presidential election that Buhari’s health was tottering and listed former Presidents with health challenges who had died in power? So, this present tantrum is in continuation of his self-imposed job of National Publicity Secretary of the Peoples Democratic Party.”

“Hmmm, I agree with you, but I think I admire his guts. You know, the other time, everyone thought he would keep quiet because of the touted plot to sack him, using the Supreme Court to reverse itself on his triumph over the petition against his election victory. The crisis reached a crescendo when a former Secretary to the PDP
in Ekiti, Dr. Tope Aluko, spilled the beans on how Fayose’s election was allegedly rigged by the military and the Goodluck Jonathan Presidency…”

“I know. But the last has not been heard on the matter…remember? Personally, I would have expected Fayose to mind his business of governing Ekiti State and leave Buhari alone. He has not learnt from his experience with ex-President Olusegun Obasanjo. Oh, how awesome is the power of the Presidency! Maybe the guy cherishes the abiding tag of ‘uncompleted tenure-ship.’
“Look, Kay, that is their wahala? All these politicians, they know why they are fighting and what they stand to gain from it…By the way, when last did you see Juliet, my newly discovered Lady Ronaldo, who owns a beer parlour very close to your office? My thoughts are with her in this Valentine season.”

“That’s no problem. You know she is both a beer seller and a restaurateur. The last time I went to drink in her shop, she was complaining bitterly about the paucity of money to buy more cartons of beer. Again, she said she needed two bags of rice; and as you know, an average bag sells for N10, 000. So if you drop N40, 000 for her to restock her bar and then hand down N20, 000 for two bags of rice, I think you are her indisputable Valentine

“Please, I won’t start 2016 with the investment of fetching water with a leaking bucket. I would rather…hic… yes, you remember that orange-selling babe who smiled generously at me in a joint at Surulere the other time? The one who said she wouldn’t mind becoming
my wife? Yes, I would invite her out on Valentine’s Day. All her oranges cannot value more than N3, 000. So, if I offer her N5, 000, she will simply

“And you lose your dignity in tow. Charlso, let’s take one more bottle each. You know I have a cold. You holla at the lady with a chiselled nose, to fetch your beer criminally cold, mortuary standard.

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