“You know, the beauty of Mama Mulikat’s joint is that its drinks are cheap, but of course, the ugly aspect of the rendezvous is that, it easily attracts men of low esteem or of no esteem at all.”
“You and your dangerous analysis. Well, no doubt, our heavily endowed Juliet here decided to pad the prices of her drinks to keep some charlatans out of here. Otherwise, you would see them milling around, trying to tap currents from her graciously built frame.”
“Kay, there you come. Are you aware that Nigeria is now out of recession? The implication of this cheery news is that, the price of beer will now reduce, leading to aggravated consumption. This is unlike before when we members of the league of drinkers were contemplating taking to the streets, to tell President Buhari that ‘Our mumu don do.’”
“Well, Charlie Boy protested because the President seemed to have turned himself to the Deputy Prime Minister of London, leaving us here to roughen the weather with an acting president that was not conferred with defined powers…that’s unlike your case. If you are battered by soldiers for protesting the high cost of beer, you’ll get nobody’s sympathy.”
“I disagree. The truth is that, out of Nigeria’s 170 million population, drunks carry the highest figure. From the least to the top: palm-wine and ogogoro guzzlers, sachet liquor suckers, beer drinkers, burukutu drainers, and red wine sippers. When they see us troop out en masse, protesting the high cost of alcoholic drinks, the soldiers will flee.”
“Charles, I’m sure you are not drunk on top of just two bottles, because I know that you are my boss on this beer drinking. Yes, in deference to that, let our scintillating Juliet bring us two additional bottles apiece, criminally cold, mortuary standard.”
“I only hope your son won’t take after you, both in drinking and philandering…yes, let me rev up the engine of this rollicking session. Juliet should also serve us two steaming hot plates of goat-meat broth, which we call ‘pepper-soup’ in the local parlance.”
“You see, there was a time I read a foreign journal where a researcher averred that no regular consumer of goat-meat can ever suffer heart attack. I saw the journal on the floor of Lagos BRT bus. Immediately I alighted, I rushed to a near-by goatmeat pepper-soup joint. I greedily demolished two courses and washed the meal down with three bottles of chilled beer.”
“We can’t be too sure about all these researches. But in pedestrian terms, you can safely say the research is plausible, in the sense that, a goat is stubborn. No stubborn heart can suffer failure or any life-threatening attack.”
“So in a way, can we describe our dearly beloved brother, Nnamdi Kanu of the Biafra agitation fame as sufficiently stubborn in the way he is carrying on with his struggle? Because, so far, his heart is not failing him despite the mortal threats coming his way.”
“So, are you suggesting he relishes goat meat? But honestly speaking, I think the Biafra agitators should be guided by history and recall how about two million Igbo people, mostly women and children, died during the Civil War.”
“The truth is that, there is so much injustice in this country. Consider inequitable distribution of the national wealth, the so-called quota system that favours one side against the other and many other things…”
“But this can still be tabled and then, we follow the path of a restructured Nigeria. Same way some breweries have been restructuring their beer when we the end consumers keep complaining and are threatening to quit their products.”
“Charles, that is the crux of the matter. Again, there is not much money in the economy. Billions have been recovered from corrupt politicians, though only one former governor has gone to a ‘weak jail.’ Yet we are hungry. More than two years after, not a single industry has been set up; much less produce anything for export. Yet, the borders are closed to consumer items. Chai, this is wickedness!”
“No, I disagree; I guess it is only an attempt to turn Nigerians to inventors. Remember, they say necessity is the mother of invention. For instance, if the price of your preferred beer is hitting the roof-tops, you can, in annoyance, go home and manufacture your own, using native
intelligence.”
“Come off it, I know you are trying to stave off discussions on national affairs, so as not to pollute our jollification and soothing camaraderie with ever voluptuous Juliet.”
“You will never repent. You are just like a friend who once mused at a beer parlour that, ‘adultery is for adult, while fornication is for children, because they love
fun.”
“Yeeee! (Joint laughter). Let Juliet come and pack these empty bottles. They are all fallen heroes…”
“So, do we take one bottle each for the road, so as to consolidate the alcoholic reaction in our Medulla Oblongata?
“As Your Lordship pleases!”
