Naira devalued is beer devalued


“Why are you not on the dance floor? Shade and I have just finished our ball dance. At least, one would not kill himself. So if the naira falls at the international market, is it automatic that I should fall here too?”

Uba Group

“Yes, Ogbonna, you are not too far from falling, if the naira continues to fall. The consequences are dire. In the first place, you won’t be able to afford more than one or two bottles of beer per week. Or in a month, the economy can decide to totally starve you of beer.”

“Terrible, Kay, terrible. That means there will be hunger in the land because you must have eaten before sitting down to shell beer, and once you have N500 only, your first target is good food, after which you can think of beer.”

“So, if you are left with N100 after feeding, can that buy you a bottle of beer? Yet, the President will not for once devalue the naira to let us know our proper rating, rather than subject our currency to the vagaries of the market.”

“Well, if the naira is devalued, the pocket is naturally devalued; so is the opportunity to borrow. If you have N1k, the real value may not be more than N800. But President Buhari possibly hopes that once his economic policies work out, the naira will naturally resurge to dwarf the dollar.”

“Tall dream. My brother, call the hefty bar lady towards your right side, who is looking seductively in our direction, to serve us another round of bottles, and let her realise that it must be criminally cold, mortuary standard.”

“How are you sure the babe is looking at us seductively? As she stands, I think she looks tired and will probably need a chair.”

“No, let me re-construct your observation. Speaking from experience, I think she is bed-sick. In that case, she wouldn’t need a chair but the active lap of a proactive pub-Ronaldo.”

“Ah, why are you talking like this? You want to rev up the mood of my Shade here? Or can’t you see she is as drunk as we are?”
“Almost; say ‘almost!’ She can never be as drunk as we are. Today alone, I’ve shelled six bottles with a cumulative of two apiece for breakfast, lunch and dinner. But this promises
to be a long ‘dinner’ and in that case, we are still going to record a lot of fallen heroes in terms of beer.” “You know the babe here with me can hardly survive this your proposed beer hurricane. She may collapse due to the preponderance of alcoholic attacks, and then become useless to me tonight.”

“Well, Ogbos, I think for once, you are being reasonable. The simple reason is that if you go ahead to bed her while she is not aware of it, you’ve committed rape, and you are liable to seven years sentence.”

“Pele o, Mr. Judge. Well, I’m working on a book titled, ‘The seven ‘Nos’ of a woman that are Pure Yes’. This situation falls into one of the ‘Nos’. A woman, who is drunk in your custody, when bedded, can only dream of going through a nice moment.”

“Please Ogbos, I have found that there is no difference between you and Charles; you are both unrepentant womanisers. But you know, I too have many girlfriends, and they are my bottles of beer, which peter out at every sitting as honourable fallen heroes.”

“Even though we are all aware of the tens of hundreds of ladies who call you regularly anytime we are drinking. No, I won’t say you don’t womanise but that you are a smooth operator.”

“So the rest of you are rough operators?… Yes, Ogbos, take another look at that guy dancing at the extreme end of the hall; this is the fourth babe he would be dancing with since we have been domiciled in this pub.”

“And to even think that he is dancing riotously! Maybe he’s one of these 419 guys who have just defrauded an Oyibo man or even his fellow countryman?”

“What concerns a fraudster with your nationality? They are only out to dispossess anybody. But with the EFCC awareness campaigns and all that, you will only be dispossessing yourself if you give in to their tricks.”

“Well, truth is, once all avenues for defrauding have been blocked through modern technologies, vigilance and the sixth sense, I wonder what they will eventually resort to.”

“Perhaps, they will go buy weapons and turn to armed robbers. And that is where I’m worried about our police. They look ill-prepared to adjust to changing times. In Europe and the United States, where terrorism is now common place, technologies and security tactics have gone haywire.”


“But here, Kay, here? It’s for our police to go rest the guns in the office after a fruitful day’s job at the checkpoints…and then retire to a beer parlour to drink to stupor and lick
steaming hot pepper-soup.”

“Ogbos, we have heard enough of talks; please return your lady Ronaldo to the dance floor. Look at that lonely babe winking at me; that’s my fringe benefit. I’ll go dance with her.”

“Who is talking of a womaniser?”